Who knows? I get asked this a lot. Sometimes little things and more times than not....nothing at all. He is even in Anger Management (court ordered) and has been for one year. Has it helped. NO it hasn't.

Here is something that got me slapped across the face. We were going out to eat at a VERY fine restaurant. He comes downstairs dressed in a pair of work jeans which have a big iron-on patch across the butt and knee. His hair looks like it has not been combed in days, and he is wearing the old tennis shoes he normally only wears to cut the grass. I was SHOCKED and also EMBARRASSED at the restaurant but I knew better than to say a word.

So, the next evening we are invited to have dinner with his parents at their home. He goes ALL OUT to wear his best pants, best shirt, asked me to trim his hair and beard, puts on cologne, etc. Where was all this when we went out together I wondered.

After we left his parents where we had burgers on the grill, I asked him WHY he cleaned up so spiffy for a backyard bbq and then went dressed as he did with me to a very fine retaurant. This was a big mistake to do.

He pulled the car over to the side of the road and started screaming at me. He said, "Are you so f'ing psycho that you are gonna get all worked up over the fact that I want to look good for my parents?" I said, "No, of course not, I just think you ought to want to look as nice when WE go somewhere together." He called me a hag who did nothing but complain and then slapped me across the face.

I got out of the car, went inside a small store, called a taxi and took myself home.

I have always considered myself to be a strong individual, but I think 4.5 years of this has finally taken its toll. It seems I am always stressed, have a headache, losing weight, etc.

I have asked others for their opinion of me. Most described me as fun loving, educated, loyal, generous, patient, and tolerant. Well, thats good right? But are these same things causing me to be too tolerant, too patient, too generous to the point it is wrecking my health and my life.

Well, I used to consider myself pretty intelligent but anymore, I have to wonder. Who would stay with a person who is not only physically abusive but is also extremely verbally abusive? What kind of person stays and endures that kind of torment. I am trying hard to figure out why I stayed. Hopefully this blog will help me shed some light on that.

For instance, for the last 2 days I have had sever chest pains on the left side. Now maybe I have just pulled a muscle or something but anytime I cough, it aches like crazy. This morning when I woke up, it was so tender I was almost in tears. I really thought I must be about to have a heart attack and I told him this several times.

Does he even act the least bit concerned. Not at all. I am in so much pain at one point, I almost doubled over. He just continues packing his bag for work as though he sees or hears nothing. Next thing I know, he is out the door without so much as a goodbye.

He does call back on his cellphone as he is driving into work and says, "Oh yeah, have a good day." I asked him how he could just leave and say nothing and show no concern at all. He says, "You know, you are about worthless. The only thing you are good for is bitching. Oh...........and having a heart attack." Then he slammed the phone down.

How could anyone make light of something like that. Is he crazy? Or am I? I have never in my life been through anything like this and never knew anyone like this. I have much to learn and I am smart enough to know, this person is deranged mentally. Yet, I am still here and still allowing myself to be treated this way. Whats wrong with this picture?

Thats the question. When your entire life has been altered by someone other than yourself and you have allowed it, where exactly is the best place to start?

Was it when we first met, was it the first time we went out, was it the first time he hit me, or was it the first time I did NOT call the police and should have?

I looked in the mirror today and I no longer recognize the person who looked back at me. The fire in the eyes that once danced with energy barely flicker. The adventure seems like the life of someone else. Who is this person in the mirror and what happened to the person that USED to look back at me?

I am blogging things as a record. Some of it may be out of order as far as a timeline goes. There has been so much, I am not sure how or when I shall ever recall it all.

Readers may think me callous to post my life here, they may judge me. But no one could judge me worse than I have judged myself. And, I still need a place to keep track of events. This is my place and I needed a private place to call my own to sort this all out.